


Two Mice and an Alien Walk Into a Bar

by AstroGirl



Category: Farscape, Pinky and the Brain
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:41:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroGirl/pseuds/AstroGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Brain (as usual) has a plan for world domination.   But this time, he's planning on getting a little extraterrestrial help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Mice and an Alien Walk Into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for A Ficathon Walks Into a Bar. (Well, of _course_ it was. It's not like I could ever have come up with this combination of characters by myself.) It's set during the _Farscape_ episode "Terra Firma."

The Brain was quietly watching television. Which, thought Pinky, was very strange. Usually when the Brain watched TV, he was loudly telling the people on the screen just how stupid they were. Or muttering to himself about how whatever he was watching would be different when he took over the world. Or yelling at Pinky for believing that reality television was actually real. (Which Pinky still didn't understand. If it wasn't real, why was it called "reality programming?" Did that mean all the things that said they were fiction _were_ real? What about real life? Was that fiction, too? Were he and the Brain just living out a television program without knowing it? It was all too, too confusing.)

Anyway, the Brain was being far too quiet. Maybe he'd fallen asleep? Pinky slipped out of the cage and scrambled up the counter to where the TV sat, to check whether the Brain needed to be tucked in with a blankie. Or woken up so they could try to take over the world. They hadn't done that yet tonight, and the Brain did get cross if he missed a night.

But he wasn't asleep. Instead, he was staring at the TV with big, wide eyes. Pinky looked at the screen. An uninteresting-looking talk show host was interviewing a woman dressed in black leather. They were saying something about spaceships, but Pinky ignored that and concentrated on the important thing.

"Oooh!" he said. "I like her hair!" He pulled his ears down over his shoulders, imagining himself with long, straight, shiny black hair. "Do you think I'd look good with hair like that, Brain?"

"Quiet, Pinky," said the Brain. "Don't you realize what that is?" He jabbed a paw in the direction of the screen, but didn't wait for an answer, which was good, because Pinky hadn't realized there was going to be a quiz and hadn't studied. " _That_ ," he said, "is an _alien_. She and her shipmates arrived last week while we were undergoing those sensory deprivation experiments."

"Oooh!" said Pinky again. "That was fun!" He did a little skipping dance. "I went on a fantabulous journey through Wonderland!"

"Those were hallucinations, Pinky. This is _real_." Pinky made another brief attempt to sort out the nature of reality, but he didn't get very far, because the Brain was still talking. "Empirically verifiable aliens, Pinky! Think of it! This is a momentous day in the history of the planet Earth!"

"Egad!" said Pinky. He was always impressed when the Brain spoke with a lot of exclamation points like that.

"Even the lowest intellect cannot fail to recognize the significance," the Brain went on. "The eyes of all humanity will be on our illustrious extraterrestrial visitors!"

He seemed to mean the woman on the TV. Pinky tried to imagine the eyes of all humanity on her. She'd probably look very funny. And if you had that many eyes, he thought, it must really, really hurt if you were in a dark room and someone suddenly turned on the light.

"The world is watching, Pinky!" said the Brain. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain, but where would we get six billion pairs of sunglasses?"

Pinky felt the familiar _thwack!_ of the Brain hitting him on the head.

"Come, Pinky!" he said, pulling Pinky back to his feet. "We have preparations to make."

Pinky shook away the last of the stars floating around his head and followed the Brain down from the counter, his tail swishing happily. He always enjoyed this part.

**

Aeryn was trying. Really, really _trying_. So far, she'd managed to do a pretty good job of being polite and understanding towards the humans, even when they confused or annoyed her. (Which was a lot of the time, although perhaps not _quite_ as constantly as her acquaintance with John Crichton might have led her to expect.) She had tolerated their scientists poking and prodding at her, her friends, and her Prowler. She had remained calm and friendly while they asked her strange and uncomfortable questions. (Even the third time someone asked her whether her people had ever abducted humans and probed their anuses. Even -- mostly -- when a particularly unpleasant human had asked, with all apparent sincerity, whether she needed an Earth man to teach her about "this thing called kissing.") She had accepted without protest the constant presence of armed guards "for your own protection." She was even dealing well, more or less, with her own unfamiliar and conflicted feelings over not knowing where she stood with John or what was going to happen next. But it was becoming increasingly difficult. Aeryn had never been very good at polite and understanding.

So when their escorts were inexplicably distracted for several moments during their latest interminable shopping excursion -- which, like many things on this planet, had been interesting for the first arn and then quickly grown tedious -- Aeryn seized her chance.

"I'm going out for some air," she murmured to Chiana. "Try to keep them from coming after me?"

Chiana answered with some comment about telling them Aeryn had gone to the "little nixa's room," but Aeryn didn't wait to hear all of it. Instead, she strode purposefully towards the door of the shopping complex the humans had emptied today for their exclusive use. Say what you would about Chiana, she could generally be counted on to support one's little acts of rebellion. Of course, she'd probably insist that Aeryn owed her a favor later...

It was only a few hundred microts' walk to the establishment Aeryn had noticed on the way in, and she hesitated only a moment before walking through the door. But once inside, she felt better immediately. The dim lighting, the annoying alien music, the counter behind which a variety of refreshments waited to be served.... It might almost have been any bar in the Uncharted Territories, except for the fact that all the customers were humans.

Fortunately, there weren't very many customers. Unfortunately, the ones there were seemed to recognize her immediately.

"Hey," said a bearded man, rising from his chair and pointing at her, "Aren't you--?"

"No," she said, smiling her best being-nice-to-the-humans smile. "I'm not."

"Yes you are!" he said, as the people he was with began to whisper excitedly among themselves. "You're one of those a--!"

She cut him off. "No," she said, dropping the smile and giving him her very best don't-push-it-or-I- _will_ -kill-you stare. "I'm not."

He gulped and sat back down. His friends stopped whispering. She tried the smile on again. It felt much more natural this time. 

She turned to the bartender. "I would like a beer, please." The English words rolled quite easily off her tongue, and she felt a small surge of pride at how fluent she'd become.

The barman, saying nothing, brought her her drink, and she sat down at a table and took a long swallow. She liked beer. It wasn't entirely unlike fellip nectar, but it had a richer taste to it, with none of the underlying tang of sweetness. Aeryn was not in the mood for sweet.

She drank slowly in comfortable silence, feeling herself relaxing a little with every sip. Yes, this was what she needed. Just a little solitude, that's all. Just a few moments to herself. Just--

Her train of thought was suddenly jarred loose by the appearance of two small, furry creatures on the table in front of her. 

Her fingers twitched in the direction of her pulse pistol -- which she had _politely_ and _understandingly_ insisted on keeping with her -- but she'd promised Crichton that she would not shoot up his home planet unless absolutely necessary. So instead she took another drink and carefully considered the entities in front of her.

They were a few denches tall, with large ears and tails, and covered in soft white hair. They reminded her rather a lot of vermin she'd once been assigned to exterminate from the Command Carrier as part of a punishment duty. One of them was taller and thinner, with a ridiculous, vacant expression on its face. The other was shorter and stouter, with a large head and a disturbingly intelligent look in its eyes.

The short one said, "You would be Officer Aeryn Sun." 

It wasn't really a question, so she didn't answer it. "What are you?" she said. 

"I am the Brain," it said, "and this is my associate Pinky." It bowed slightly, and its associate giggled.

"No," said Aeryn. "What _are_ you?" Crichton had been pretty clear about there only being one intelligent species on this planet. Maybe they were robots of some sort? There had been a wide variety of furry toys in the shops they'd visited, and some of those could move and talk. Aeryn hadn't seen the point, but Chiana had been quite taken with them. Still, if these were machines, this world was more technologically advanced than she'd thought. They were remarkably lifelike.

"We," said the Brain -- and what kind of name was that, anyway? -- "are genetically engineered lab mice bent on global domination."

"Oh, not _again_ ," muttered Aeryn. She still had occasional nightmares about her last encounter with a genetically enhanced megalomaniac lab creature. Not that she would have admitted it to anyone.

The creature ignored her, seeming to much prefer the sound of its own voice. "And may I say how truly honored I am to make your acquaintance? The first visitor from the fathomless cosmic realms to grace our humble and benighted sphere!"

"But, Brain," said the other one. "It's not night! It's the middle of the afternoon. Ow!" This last exclamation emerged as its companion, without even turning to look at it, smacked it with unerring aim on the side of the head. Aeryn, to her own surprise, found herself stifling a disbelieving laugh.

"Along those lines," the Brain continued, as if he -- she supposed it was a he -- had not been interrupted, "I have a proposition to put to you. Representing as you do an advanced civilization, you must surely have noticed that this Earth of ours is in a truly abominable state. Man makes war against man, injustice and poverty abound, and hot dogs are sold in packages of ten while their buns come in packages of eight! Truly, all is disorder and chaos!"

"Chaos!" said Pinky, apparently in agreement. "Narf!"

Aeryn wondered whether this creature actually had some sort of a valid point about the status of this planet. She wondered what a "hot dog" was. She wondered whether there was some sort of hallucinogen in beer that no one had warned her about. She considered this for a moment, then took another drink, anyway.

"Clearly," said the Brain, "what this world needs is a single, strong, visionary leader. And that is where _you_ come in."

"You want me to lead this planet?" said Aeryn. This time she didn't even try to stifle the laugh.

"What? No! No, there is only one rational candidate for _that_ job. But you are in a position to use your considerable fame as a platform from which to endorse me, the Brain, as ruler of the world!"

"You?" said Aeryn. "You can't even climb up onto a table without mountaineering gear--" she flicked her finger against the rope that had appeared on the table along with the creatures -- "and you want to rule the entire planet?"

"Yes," said the Brain, unperturbed. "Now, in return for your endorsement, I am prepared to offer you one thousand pounds of fine milk chocolate, which I understand from interviews given by your human colleague is sadly unavailable in outer space, as well as the prestigious post of Ambassador to the Universe. What do you say?"

"Uh, Brain?" said Pinky. "I'm sorry but... But, well, it's only 990 pounds of chocolate."

"What?" The Brain turned to face his associate for the first time. "What happened?"

"I, uh..." Pinky wrung his tail contritely between his front paws. "I got hungry on the way over." He let out a loud burp.

The Brain sighed. "Fine. Nine hundred and ninety pounds of chocolate. I'm also prepared to throw in this 'Brain for World Leader' commemorative lapel pin." Pinky handed him a bag, and he reached in and pulled out a round object adorned with a picture of his face. It was almost as big as his actual face.

"Is this one of those television shows," said Aeryn, "where they put people in situations that are meant to be funny and secretly film them?" Noranti and Rygel had discovered quite a taste for those.

"Zounds!" exclaimed Pinky. "I always wanted to be on television!" He looked around excitedly, apparently trying to spot a camera.

"It is most certainly _not_ ," said the Brain, sounding offended. Pinky's ears drooped in disappointment.

"No," said Aeryn. "That would be far too easy and make far too much sense." She should have expected something like this, she realized. She _was_ on Crichton's planet, after all. In retrospect, it was almost surprising nothing this ridiculous had happened before now.

A question occurred to her. Well, a great many questions occurred to her, but for the moment, this one took precedence. "How did you even _find_ me?" she said. "No one knew I would be here. Even _I_ didn't know I would be here." 

"Yes," said the Brain, "but your expedition to that bastion of mindless consumerism known as 'the mall' was widely publicized. We simply infiltrated the building -- not difficult when you're a mouse -- and observed you from concealment. When it became clear from your expression and demeanor that you were growing impatient--"

"You made such a scowly face!" interjected Pinky, demonstrating on his own features with an expression Aeryn really didn't think she was physically capable of making.

"Yes, Pinky. As I was saying, when it became obvious that, given the chance, you would remove yourself from your companions and their rather tedious perusal of Earth's consumer goods, I intervened to distract the guards while you made your predicted escape. Then we followed you here." He reached back into the bag -- causing Aeryn to wonder suddenly where the pin he'd been holding had gone -- and pulled out a curly golden wig, which he settled neatly atop his disproportionately sized head. "No one can resist stopping to help an adorable, lost little girl," he said. His eyes grew big and innocent and full of false tears.

"That," said Aeryn, "is the stupidest thing I have ever seen."

The tears vanished. The Brain whipped the wig off his head and glared at her. "Never mind that," he said. "Have you considered my proposal?" The glare morphed into a look of almost pathetic eagerness.

"No," she said.

"Oh." The Brain seemed taken aback. "Well, if you require additional time, I really must insist that--"

"No," said Aeryn. "I mean, the answer is no."

"If it's the missing ten pounds of chocolate," said the Brain, "I'm sure we can procure a replacement for you. Out of Pinky's hide, if necessary." 

He turned his glare on his companion, who gave him an awestruck look in return. "You can make chocolate come out of my hide, Brain? Oooh, how exciting! I'll be all yummy!" He proceeded to lick himself in various places, presumably to see if he tasted like chocolate. Aeryn shook her head in disbelief.

The Brain looked like he was about to say something to Pinky, then gave up and turned back to Aeryn instead. "Well?" he said.

"No," she repeated. "I am not going to help you take over this planet. I don't even know you!"

"I assure you, my credentials are impeccable."

"You're completely fahrbot!" she said. "And you're _vermin_."

The Brain pulled himself up to his full, unimpressive height. "Madam, you insult me."

"I don't care. The answer is still no."

"Fine," he said. "Fine." He began pacing around on the table. "I can find another way. A plan B, as it were. Maybe a subliminal signal implanted in the transmission. No, no, that never works. But perhaps..." He trailed off into incoherent mumbling.

Pinky gave her a hurt look, and went over to the Brain, patting him gently on the shoulder. "There, there. It'll be all right, Brain. You'll come up with another plan. You don't need any help from any nasty aliens. Narf!"

Aeryn sighed, feeling the beginning of a headache coming on, and took another swallow of her beer. By the time she'd lowered the drink, the two little creatures were already scampering down the rope and across the floor of the bar, heading towards the door. 

She wondered whether she should shoot them as they left, but decided against causing any more of a scene. Although the humans in the bar all seemed either not to have noticed anything, or to be pretending very hard not to have noticed.

Aeryn sighed again, drained the last of the beer, and stood. She'd better get back, before the humans sent out a search party for her, and report in on this... threat.

**

"I'm telling you, John, it was about this high--" she demonstrated with her fingers -- "and furry, with large ears, and it said it wanted to rule the planet."

Crichton laughed. "Aeryn, I don't know what kind of cartoons you've been watchin'..."

"I haven't been watching any kind of 'cartoon.' I don't even know what that is!"

"It's what you've been watching, Aeryn. I mean, come on... Either you've been mistaking Saturday morning reruns for documentaries, or somebody is seriously pulling your leg."

"Fine," she said. "It's your planet. If you don't care about creatures attempting to take it over from you, then I certainly don't."

"Well, when the mice do take over, Aeryn, you can say 'I told you so.'" He snickered. It was really, really annoying.

"Frell you," she said. "I'm beginning to think he might have been right. It might be an improvement."

**

A few days later, Aeryn's Prowler left Earth for the last time, its pilot feeling a strange mixture of relief and regret.

When she'd landed safely aboard Moya and departed the transport hanger, two small, furry figures popped out from beneath her seat, exited the craft, and scampered down to the floor. 

"Yes!" exclaimed the Brain triumphantly. "Here we are, Pinky! Outer space!"

"Narf!" said Pinky. "I wonder if we'll meet Bigfoot?"

The Brain gave him a look that was half pity, half disbelief that even he could be quite _that_ stupid. "Never mind that. Come! We must go and plan for tomorrow night."

"Why? What are we doing tomorrow night, Brain?"

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the galaxy!"


End file.
